Living alone diaries #9; Electricity problems, pulling yourself out of dark places and kind old men.
The devil is what? A fockin liar.
I am convinced my enemies were washing their hands inside my calabash this past week, I kid you not. Because tell me why, immediately after I posted my last entry, the voltage of electricity was freakishly high and destroyed all my chargers? The it went out completely and I slept in darkness and was fighting for my life. And then as if I hadn’t had enough, the next day electricity came back and guess what?
The voltage was so low I couldn’t actually use the electricity to do anything.
One day it’s so high its causing explosions (I mean, I’m exaggerating but also not really), then the next it’s so low I couldn’t even see with the light that was coming out of my bulbs.
Had to endure that for the whole day and use my power bank to charge my phone and airpods. So, imagine my surprise when I went out at night to get something to eat and what did I see? bright lights in the whole compound. As you could imagine, I, coming from the destitute darkness of my room’s electricity supply, was shocked.
I went to see my landlady to complain to her.
She said it seems I’m the only one with that issue and promptly told me there’s an electrician down the street, tomorrow I should go and meet him. So helpful of her.
This had now become doubly irritating to me; from what I could see, I was the only one that was having this electricity problem. Why? you’ll have to ask my village people.
The next morning though, she had called the electrician herself because apparently the same issue I had was also affecting all the other inhabitants of the first floor of the complex.
Thankfully, the issue was fixed and it wasn’t an expensive one.
As you could imagine, everything that had happened was really stressing me out at this point; I felt destabilized and overwhelmed. All my chargers were still fried and I couldn’t use my laptop because it was just about to die when I posted the last living alone diary on Monday, the fact that I would have to replace everything that went bad, and also that I would have to go out to do it.
I’ve never mentioned before but as the insecurity levels in Nigeria rise, so does my anxiety surrounding going out of my house; it seems like every single day there’s one thing or the other going on in this country, robberies, assaults, bombs, bandits and I cannot believe that nothing is being done about these issues, they aren’t even being addressed by the government. Nigerians are just expected to adapt and move on.
I remember when crime rates in Lagos got so astronomically high that people started getting robbed in their cars while in traffic. Guess what the whole governor of Lagos state told the people to do? He said they should be winding up their windows when they were in traffic. This was the groundbreaking solution to the violent and persistent vice that was destroying his state.
Wind up your windows, dear.
We are actually finished in this country. Grade A comedy.
Anyways I’ve been having terrible anxiety about going out recently, because where else is actually safe.
The problems Nigeria has are what? Numerous.
Its Saturday night now and I have finally replaced my chargers and gotten a fused extension, hence why I’m able to write now.
Jokes aside, this week was really bad for me; I felt unproductive, lazy, stupid and really alone. I’m usually really good at pulling myself out of my funks and mediating between myself and my feelings but this week swamped me with a ferocity that had my crying yesterday night in bed.
It was a cycle of me not feeling like doing anything, then laying in bed the whole day, feeling bad for not doing anything the whole day, then feeling horrible because of that and not being able to do anything because I felt so bad (and partly because I couldn’t use my laptop) and the cycle continued.
I take a lot of pride in being a relatively productive person; I take planning and optimization of my time very seriously, and I love to be able to check something as done off my list at the end of the day, but this week felt like I completely threw this virtue out of the window, by Friday I felt like an utter failure. Of course, I knew I wasn’t actually failing but try telling that to me when I was already having a horrible week and in a horrible mood.
Again, rose the feeling of me not doing enough; not being enough, not pushing enough to be the person I want to be. Omo, it was a lot, I can’t lie and I was deeply spiraling.
I think the thing about spiraling is that for the most part you have convinced yourself that you are utterly without power to change your current situation; everything that’s happening/happened in your life seems to be dragging you deeper down and you can’t do anything about it.
I am of the opinion that being completely powerless to alter any aspect of your current reality is a lie.
No matter what happens or what you’re going through, I believe that there will always be something you can do that will — however minute — positively influence your situation. It could be talking to someone, going on a walk, writing a list of things you need to do, eating something, turning off your phone, etc. even stuff as seemingly minute as taking a shower, having a cup of tea or sweeping my room has improved my mood in some small, helpful way.
My point is that; sitting down and wallowing and “accepting” that bad things simply are inexplicably drawn to you and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to help matters is a very toxic mindset to have. And if you continue on with this thought process, your life will actually then become the shithole you think it is and then, you would fully be stuck.
Anyways I had to drag myself out of this dark place because I rarely ever indulge in self-pity or seek out sympathy from people in my life, and this wallowing/sadness p was extremely off-brand for me.
Sometimes you have to remember that your actions (most of the time) create your reality.
Of course, you can’t control everything and in many real ways, life can just shock you, but the parts you can affect, my dear, hold on to them with vim.
So, the thing that brought me out of my funk was deciding that I was going to go out the next day (Saturday), replace my chargers and extension, get back home and write.
I did that, and like a plug being slotted into a socket (pun unintended), it felt like my life was back in motion.
Another absolutely amazing thing that happened to me this week was I discovered that my lovely parents made a mistake spelling my name on my passport. Now, I haven’t used my passport in a few years and I was quite young when it was processed, so I did not give a damn if it wasn’t even my name that was on that thing; as long as I got to travel, I was okay. The issue is, I need to get it renewed now, and since this was my first time even seeing the thing since I became an adult, I just noticed that the spelling and arrangement of my names was wrong.
On my international passport.
As you can see, I come from a family of deeply unserious people.
Now, I have to swear an affidavit, and some other long talk before I can finally apply for a renewal.
I’ve always hated my name anyways, so I’m not surprised it hates me back as well.
Anyways, this week is going to be busy for me and I think it goes without saying that I be put in your prayers.
Okay, its Monday now, and I’ve gotten my affidavit.
Alhamdullilah.
I went to the court and the man that helped me process it was the sweetest person I’ve met in a long time; his kindness really hit me and at a point my eyes felt moist (yes, little stuff like that makes me emotional), and in contrast to the darkness of my shitty past few days, his manner was like a bright warm light to me. Apart from making small talk and being generally kind, he also gave me some advice on other issues I had.
If you look at it objectively, he didn’t actually do anything spectacular or mind blowing, he was just a compassionate and kind old man and it really made my day. I’m not religious but bless him.
Okay, this entry is long enough, I’m going to go now. Its almost six pm and I feel bad that its so late, but yeah.
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