Living alone diaries #4; Expired tomato paste, MJ induced tinnitus, and Going with the flow

Slightly waved as I’m writing this so God is actually my strength and filter right now.

Also listening to carti, so you know I’m having a good time. I don’t know what it is, but trap music is so perfect especially when you’re waved.

Yesterday I had the most horrifying experience; I was tired, hungry and even more waved than I am now, and I was like damn, I’m really hungry. So, I force myself off my bed (this took about 20 minutes) and start making noodles, everything is going great, until I decide to add tomato paste for the fun of it; Jollof Indomie.

So, I scoop it into the oil and stir it around, if you’ve made anything jollof before you know what I mean, and suddenly there’s this smell. I sniff around and find its from what I’m cooking, obviously I’m mortified, so I’m thinking damn, what did I do wrong? Keep in mind that THC and I were battling, so all this was doubly annoying for me. I start to seriously contemplate what could actually be causing the smell.

Long story short the tomato paste I used was expired.

God, I was so mad, I wanted to lob the whole thing (noodles, pot and all) into an incinerator and just watch it burn.

Anyways I ate garri.

Is it just me, but I find myself hyper fixated on things that are going to happen in the future? Like if I’m going to Dubai in three months, that trip will become the focus of my day, what puts me to sleep and what wakes me up, it’s crazy. Like my mind is just always looking for something to look forward to and when I don’t have anything, my life literally feels flat. Am I making any sense right now?

Typing while waved is an Olympian sport.

Anyways the only thing keeping me going now is the fact that I’m going to Abuja next month, so I’ll get to see my friends again before I fly to Lagos.

Literally counting down the days, I’m not even kidding. One of my good friends is coming back from the UK so I’m excited about that too.

The problem with this hyper fixation on future events is the emptiness you feel after the event has passed. You’re thinking about the days in front of you like damn, what else is there for me now?

Maybe I’m Deeping this thing too much, hm.

One of the things I look forward to is writing and publishing this every week as well, so I think that’s why I’ve actually been consistent.

I really should eat but I’m too lazy to actually do that.

Its 10:10 on Thursday now.

Did you know that certain strains of MJ could cause loud, uncomfortable ringing in the ears? Apparently ringing in the ears (i.e., Tinnitus) was reported by 30% of participants after using cannabinoids (fancy word for MJ), and that’s in individuals who have never had tinnitus before. What’s more, MJ users were 20-times more likely to report having tinnitus symptoms after 24 hours. Luckily, this kind of tinnitus usually only persists for 16 to 48 hours.

Guess who got MJ induced tinnitus?

Me, baby.

Its not serious, just uncomfortable. Half the time I forget about it, until its quiet then I can hear it in my head again. At this point it’s just annoying.

But imagine your ears ringing and then also being waved, it was actually horrible, I can’t even lie.

I’ve resolved that I’m taking a break from the psychedelics anyways, being sober is underrated.

I had a very low energy day today; I don’t like to call days like these ‘sad days’, because I don’t actually feel sad, I’m just vibrating on a lower level. I’ve learnt that being a human means I will experience things/occurrences and feelings that are unpleasant and not where I want to be, but its actually okay.

Its okay to have days where nothing is “wrong”, you’re just not…full. I don’t know if I’m doing a good job describing this, but yeah.

Its okay to be low energy and to not have the strength to be our fullest selves every day, because, we’re only human after all.

When this becomes a problem is when you treat low energy or “sadness’ as your destination.

Logically, the final destination for humans is death, we’re all going to die and that’s that (unless you believe in more). This means that throughout our lives, we are we are constantly in flux and movement, we’re moving through our lives inch by inch every second.

When experiencing an emotion we enjoy, it is very common to try and hold on to it as tightly as possible; because we enjoy how we feel so much. The reverse is the case with unpleasant emotions, we want to leave them as soon as possible; because we do not enjoy how we feel.

I think one thing I’m learning in life is that all emotions are meant to be experienced, learnt from, and then moved past; acknowledge and recognize how you feel, dissect and understand why you feel this way and then let it go. Let the emotion stay for as long as feels natural, then you move.

Forcefully holding onto or repelling/ignoring an emotion is digging a deep, narrow mouthed hole and coming out of that is always very hard.

Ugh, I don’t know if anything I’m saying is even making any sense.

Anyways, my point is, understanding that as humans we change and evolve and experience a plethora of things is key to actually being content. Because you know that being sad now is just a passing thing, its not forever, its going to end, just as being happy is a passing thing, at certain points it will waver, just like every other emotion, and its okay to experience this and let them happen/go.

So today I just let myself be low energy, I let myself lay in bed (still worked out though), mindlessly scroll tiktok, ignore everyone’s texts and just marinate in my feelings for a day.

And I’m good now.

Sometimes just allow yourself feel an emotion and wear it out, then move on.

A small tip I learnt from my therapist (when I was in therapy) when an emotion was so huge that it was blocking my normal functions i.e., taking care of myself, my responsibilities and commitments etc. (this is when my sadness or whatever negative emotion I’ve been feeling has gone past the few days mark), was to treat it objectively and understand that it’s a feeling. Don’t belittle it but also don’t give it more power than it actually has, then treat it like its any other pleasant emotion.

When you’re happy, you still do all the stuff you have to do. You don’t say “oh I’m sooooo happy I can’t cook food for myself to eat”, or “I’m soo excited for my trip that I can’t respond to that important email my boss sent me” so why should the negative emotions be any different?

It’s one thing I always remember. I can work around my feelings; just because I feel some type of way doesn’t mean I wont get the essential stuff done (like how I still worked out today even though I wasn’t feeling good)

Unless in cases of actual depression and mental ill-health, your feelings should not have the power to absolutely halt your life and shut you down; you determine how you react to your feelings and things that happen to you. Give them space, experience them, learn from them, then keep it pushing.

Wow, I sound like a motivational speaker. I promise I’m also just figuring it out as I go. I’m just sharing what I’ve found works for me.

Its Monday now.

I usually finish all my writing on Sunday, then leave the editing and posting for Mondays, but yesterday was just…not good for me. Yesterday I just wanted to not actually be active in my own life for the whole day, I wanted to be on the sidelines and observe life just move, no interactions of perceptions of me.

Basically, I holed up in my room with my data turned off reading or just staring at the ceiling.

Very productive of me, actually.

Anyways, this morning I woke up pretty late (10am) because I spent the night watching Avengers; Endgame (I’ve never watched it before. I know, shocker), and I did some yoga to try and ease myself out of my funk. I guess it worked otherwise I would not be here writing this if it didn’t.

Speaking of movies, this week I watched a very funny and ridiculously hot movie called ‘B-boy blues’, to my surprise I really did enjoy it; normally romantic comedies just irritate /make me cringe (because I’m a witch), but this made me laugh and coo and shit. A Ghanian friend of mine put me on and I’ve been telling everyone about it since.

This week (hopefully) I leave for Abuja, and honestly, that’s all that’s keeping me moving.

I’m listening to my high playlist as I write this.

Tee-hee.

I have it on Apple Music and Spotify for anyone that wants to give it a whirl.

Yes, my thoughts are as intrusive and disjointed as the way I write them, I’m always reading my shit back and shaking my head like damn, this is really just word vomit.

And on that note, I’m going to end this entry here.

See y’all next week, and from home, hopefully.

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