Living alone diaries #30; realizations (pt. 2) and the woes of unemployment
Hi hi,
If you read the previous entry, you know that this is a continuation of that, so if this doesn’t make sense, please go back and read it here.
Realization 3
I had stopped honoring myself.
Recently there’s been a trend of self-love and self-care and all that; while it’s amazing and good, I feel like most of the content I’ve seen mostly focuses on external self-care — looking good.
I’ll be the first to tell you that looking good does wonders for your mental, but it’s also not all there is to self-care.
Naturally, struggling with being a people pleaser and finding it hard to speak my boundaries, I have had a harder time than most with honouring myself. I got a lot better in 2022 at speaking my truth and affirming my boundaries, and I’m incredibly grateful for that growth because I can honestly say a lot of the stuff that I would have let slide in 2021, will never come close to me in 2022 and beyond.
But there’s always more to be done.
In some smaller, not-so-obvious areas of my life, I wasn’t honouring myself and my real desires, and sometimes I didn’t even notice it.
Like with decision-making for instance.
I’m horrible at making choices for two reasons; I overthink a lot because making the right decisions — that I won’t regret — is vital to me. The second is because I’m afraid of how people will think of me after making the said decision, and how it will affect them.
And these things — especially the latter — are really toxic traits, because it means I’m not doing things for myself, but instead, because of what I think other people expect from me. So in that way, I’m disrespecting the sacredness of myself.
If you think of yourself as divinely placed, as created by the universe in the uniqueness of yourself, you wouldn’t want to disrespect that in any way, because you know your truth and your worth, you know your place in the universe.
Your place in the universe is to be completely and fully you. To actualize all your potential to your fulfilment.
People talk about finding purpose in this world, and I think my purpose is to become the best version of myself that I can be on this earth, to love and then to create. And how would I achieve that if I’m not respecting my own desires and intuition and heart?
I hope I’m making sense. The universe and the people in it will only treat you as well as you treat yourself; if you treat yourself like rubbish, others will pick up on that and run with it, obviously if you treat yourself that way, they can too.
So, I’m done treating myself like rubbish.
Now, having these truths come to me and seeing all these realizations does not mean that I suddenly have it all figured out, or that my life is suddenly perfect, it’s more of me shifting gears, and changing perspectives.
Looking at things through the lens of my own eyes and my own spirit and body, instead of the eyes of others and society.
I know that to some of you, this probably sounds cheesy or phoney, but I wanted to share this part of my becoming. Just as Hitomi shared hers and I learnt from that.
So, I hope this can be helpful in some way to some of you, and I’ll continue to share any realizations I have on my journey.
The new year has officially begun, so I need to start getting back into my normal routines now.
I also want to resume job applications today, because unemployment is not cute.
Do you guys have any new year’s resolutions?
For the first time in my whole life, I do.
Crazy. But I decided that if I truly want to make 2023 a better year, I need to be clear about what I’m putting into the universe, and also have clearer ways of achieving those goals. It’s like going to a restaurant and not telling the chef what you want, but expecting everything they bring to your table to be yummy and amazing. So, it’s not just about saying 2023 will be a great year, it’s about being dedicated and consistent and working towards that reality.
No one ever manifested the life of their dreams by sitting down on their ass and only chanting affirmations.
Be for real.
And honestly, I feel like that’s the major reason why people “fail” or give up on their resolutions.
Because we don’t set up systems to assist us towards those goals, we rely on motivation alone to carry us through to the finish line, and motivation is a fickle thing.
It waxes and wanes.
Maybe in the next entry, I’ll talk about my 2023 resolutions.
Would that be interesting?
It’s Monday now, 8:30 am.
I initially woke up feeling hopeful for some reason, and I picked up my phone to check if I had any important notifications or emails, and I didn’t. then after that, it just mellowed into a feeling of melancholy?
I’m not sad, and I’m not happy, but I’m closer to sadness than to happiness.
Does that make sense?
I don’t exactly understand the feeling, but yeah.
The fact that I’ll be done with my service year soon has been weighing on me a lot recently, and while I’m grateful to be done with this pile of crock, I’m also anxious about what the future looks like for me.
Jobhunting has not been going well, and maybe I should put more energy into freelancing? I really would prefer the solidity of a monthly salary, but I guess beggars can’t be picky, innit?
There’s something about applying for jobs and being rejected that tests your self-esteem like nothing else.
Consider my self-esteem tested, hm.
Someone told me “A lot can change in a few months” and I’m just trying to hold on to that.
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