Living alone diaries #26; Am I still a writer if I don't write?
This week has been…productive in a sense.
I’ve done something I set out to do every day of the week, and that feels good.
Jos is progressing towards colder weather and this morning (it’s Friday btw) it was 13 degrees. Personally, I don’t mind this at all because I love cooler weather, and being hot makes me irritable, the only thing I’m not a fan of is how dry the air is. But I guess it just made me moisturize more.
I had an oddly emotional talk with my mom yesterday evening, and it was entirely spontaneous. I rarely tell her things anymore because we have such different ways of looking at things, then coming from different generations and social values, we don’t tend to see eye to eye on deeper topics.
Don’t get me wrong, this talk didn’t change that, it didn’t really do much, to be honest, but it did give me some comfort that she at least cares and her way of showing it may be off, but it’s valid as well.
My relationship with my parents is something that has progressively gotten worse over the years, and right now it’s more estranged than I think it’s ever been.
I’m not sure how much deeper I’d be comfortable going on this subject, so I think I’m going to drop it now.
Hey hey hey,
It’s Sunday, 12:42 pm, and I’m sitting in bed and listening to lo-fi music. One thing I love about apple music is that there are playlists for everything.
Need to work out? There’s a playlist for that. Having trouble focusing? There’s a work focus playlist. Want to sleep? There’s a whole category for sleep music.
Seriously, it’s amazing.
It’s not just apple music, though; I also use Spotify and YouTube music (because I like variety, okay) and there’s similar stuff everywhere.
Anyways.
I’ve been feeling kind of…like I’m underachieving.
Like I could be doing better than I am now.
You know how when you were in primary school and your report card came out and your mom would compare you to higher performing students like, “do they have two heads” sort of thing?
I mean, I know that’s an extremely generalized way of looking at life, but it’s kind of stuck for me. And I think for a lot of people my age too.
Especially with social media, it’s easy to get lost in the lives of others and think, damn, I’m young and I’m creative and smart too, why am I not earning six figures and doing all this cool stuff.
I just have to remind myself that life is very strange, and life is different for everyone.
I was thinking about moving this series to like WordPress or Substack (is that what it’s called?) you know, make it an actual blog.
But I don’t know, the ease of medium is pretty enticing, a blog is like…serious you know? And we all know about my fear of taking things I do seriously, so I don’t get invested and disappointed if things don’t work out the way I want them to.
What do you guys think? Should I move? Or is medium more convenient for you as well?
Another thing is I want to see if I can start monetizing these with like ads and stuff like that.
You’re probably thinking whoa, whoa slow down mister, but I shoot myself in the foot a lot by under-aspiring (is that a word?). And I’m glad I’m coming to this realization while I’m still young.
I look at what could go wrong way before I’d look at what could go right. I’ve always been like that.
Anyways, I’m seriously thinking about that. Probably next year sha.
I’m trusting you lot to hold me accountable.
The reason why I fell in love with writing is because of storytelling.
Everyone knows I’m a bookworm through and through, and telling stories was what really enticed me about writing.
I love when I write and people can feel my words when I describe emotion and it’s almost like I didn’t use words to do it, like the reader just feels the emotion.
When I was in secondary school, I didn’t have a laptop that I had access to frequently, so I used to write in notebooks. With pen.
Mostly, I wrote this one story. I called it undead — please excuse the cliché name, my main inspirations were twilight and the vampire diaries — and it was about a girl called Reyna, and her love interest, Leo.
I wrote this story for probably four years because I’d been writing it since JS3, I think. I would have different installments and all that. It was thrilling for me; creating a world out of nothing. My own creation.
It is the ultimate act of creativity for me; you are making a whole universe that is entirely dependent on what you want it to be. That’s amazing.
Anyways, I filled up to ten notebooks with this story. Girls would beg me to write and then borrow the “novels” when I was done.
It was the first time that I thought, huh, maybe I want to be a writer, for real.
The point of this ramble is that I want to get to that place again. Where I’m genuinely excited to write and create again.
Where I’m writing because I want to, and because I enjoy my writing, not just because I want to make a submission or I have a deadline, or I want to publish a piece because it would look good on my CV.
I want to write, creatively write again.
So, I have to find a way to rediscover that joy again.
Its December!
Remember when it was October and I was writing “damn, it’s October”? well, now it’s actually December.
Crazy stuff. Hm.
That also means that my birthday is literally here.
Boxing day.
So, if you want to get me anything, best start planning now.
Winks.
Crazy that 2022 is over and done. I feel like this year was like a bad fever dream, for me at least.
Honesty, it’s been crap for me, but let’s not dwell too much on the negative. I just want to work towards having a better 2023, because hm.
I’ve always known that I’m more of a pessimist than an optimist, and my mother always said as a child that I had very dark projections of the world. This is still true. I genuinely find it hard to see the bright side of things, and I tend to intellectualize my emotions a lot.
That’s how I deal with things.
But maybe I need to start making efforts to be more positive? Definitely easier said than done, but it’s worth a try. Maybe your subconscious actually does affect your physical world.
I hope you have a good week.
below this entry is a clap icon and a comment section, and you can “clap” (hold down on the clap icon continuously) on a single post for as many as fifty times, this shows me how you felt about what you just read and also helps other people see my entries. Clap for me? you’re doing the lord’s work.
and if you want to keep up w me elsewhere, im mostly on twitter, but my instagram is pretty too :-)
