Living alone diaries #21: nightmares, getting lost, music, and getting published
Its 3:33am on Tuesday, I just posted entry 20 yesterday (well, it feels like that was earlier today).
I’m not a night owl, I don’t enjoy being up really late, and I generally love feeling well and rested in the mornings, because I’m a morning person.
But I’m up right now because I had a pretty horrible nightmare. I find that the most frequent way my anxiety manifests is in nightmares; I have night mares multiple times a week at this point and I honestly don’t know what to do about it. And most of the time they revolve around being in dangerous situations and my life literally being in danger.
In today’s amazing dream, I was in the hospital for some reason, and it was a really weird hospital too; it was literally a duplex that had been turned into a hospital (?). So, I was in there, I don’t know why, and I’m on a gurney (I think? The details are starting to fade) and I’m being wheeled into a room with doctors and people in scrubs and they’re all talking about injecting me with something, I don’t know what.
I think I catch a glimpse of someone in another room being injected too and instantly falling asleep and them being wheeled out.
I’m sure this is something that happens all the time in hospitals; people are sedated regularly for a variety of reasons. But I don’t know why this really made me so scared.
So, I’m in this gurney, panicking while a man in scrubs prepares to inject me with something.
At the last minute, I ask to use the bathroom, and by some miracle, they let me go and tell me to come back as soon as I’m done. By another miracle, my phone is in my pocket and I discover it as I hide in the bathroom.
Now, I don’t know what it is about dreams, but when I’m dreaming, I can’t use my phone properly. Like, I can’t text, I can’t use it to actually call someone, navigating it in general is confusing and impossible, I don’t know why. Is this just me?
Anyways, I’m trying to open my messages app to text someone and let them know what’s happening and where I am and all that, but I just can’t for some reason, like my brain cant compute what it sees. It’s the most frustrating thing, God.
So, I start to creep around the bathroom, looking for ways to escape, and I notice there’s another doorway leading out of the bathroom and there’s no one there. I run out and I keep running and running deeper and deeper into the hospital?
Like why didn’t I run out and away?
Its all so odd.
Anyways the dream ends when I run into an official’s office, I think the admin or something, and I’m panting and I greet him.
Then I woke up.
Most of my dreams are like this, because I have a pretty strong fear of getting kidnapped or being tortured and confined, and the anxiety I feel on a regular doesn’t make it easier at all.
Even during the day when I’m out, it’s a prevalent thought; what if this cab I’m going into is going to take me to an uncompleted building and rob me? What if as I’m walking down the street three guys walk up to me and I get jumped? What if as I’m sitting here in my room, alone, writing this at 4 am in the morning, someone breaks in?
It doesn’t help that these aren’t even farfetched things. I see stories all the time on the news and on twitter about stuff like this happening, even in broad daylight, and the people around just pretend nothing is happening, and you cant even go to the police because they’re probably the most corrupt extension of the government and they don’t really care about the public.
Its one of the reasons I just don’t like going out, especially in this country. Because there’s no insurance. We’re raw-dogging every day like it might be our last, because it could very well be. There’s no security, the government doesn’t give a shit about you, people are always trying to pull one on you because they’re “smart”, everything is just horrible here and it makes my anxiety so bad.
Anyways, since I couldn’t sleep, I made some stir-fry spaghetti and let me tell you, it slapped. I think I’m going to relax and watch some YouTube now, because lord knows I’m tired. I can already tell this week’s entry will be very long.
Its Wednesday now, and I’m at work.
Yesterday I almost died (this is an exaggeration).
There I was, in my house, relaxing and chilling, when I received a call from a friend of mine (actually the only friend I have that resides in Jos), asking me to come over.
Obviously, I had nothing doing, and I was in an off mood as a result of a tiff I’d just had, so I decided, you know what? I’m going to be spontaneous and go see him.
That’s how I ended up getting lost on the streets of Jos, o.
All of you people that were telling me to start going out and to stop being an introvert, see where it almost landed me.
Dead on the streets of a city I barely know.
What would they tell my progenitors?
Anyways, I was later found, thanks to the person who got me lost in the first place, so I guess he made up for it.
Asides from that, it was nice seeing another human being that was my friend again, and he and I get along really well in general, so that helped.
But I didn’t stay too long, because as you know, I hate being out when the sun goes down, so I left a bit early so I made it home before dark.
My article got published!
Remember the submission I told you about in a previous entry? The magazine finally got published. I’ll link it here if you want to support me and read.
But I’m actually very proud of myself. Remember when I wrote about wanting to start making money from writing and also getting published before the year runs out? And how I didn’t want to actually make it a goal because I was afraid of disappointing myself? It’s crazy how both those things have happened.
Best in manifestation, innit?
And I’m especially glad that it’s a publication that I actually genuinely like and support its vision.
Go read it!
On self-improvement, I started a course on digital marketing, because I want to have some knowledge of that under my belt and in my cv, and it’s something I might go into in the future.
Getting published made me realize that my dreams aren’t really as unattainable as I’ve bult them up to be, and I just need to start applying pressure.
Seeing results really does give you motivation, I love it.
Or maybe its just because I’m listening to old Beyonce as I write this.
Either way, I’m feeling good.
Hi guys,
It’s a few days later now, I hope you’re all doing well.
I haven’t used my laptop since, so typing feels odd to me now.
I forgot how much I genuinely enjoy physically writing things, because there’s no reason the simple act of writing to do lists down on paper should make me feel so happy. Another reason why I want to get an iPad; I’m such a words person, like, I love reading them and making them and connecting them, and I enjoy seeing that process happen in real time under my control.
An iPad would be amazing because I’m not carrying around a lot of notebooks and I still have everything I need with me. Unfortunately, I’m a brokie right now and I can’t afford one.
Anyways, aim high, innit?
Completely random, but every one that knows me knows that I have an insane addiction/dependence on music, so there’s this song I’ve been obsessed with for months, and the reason why this obsession has lasted this long, is because there’s so many versions of it online, so when I get tired of one, I just move to another and its almost like I’m hearing it for the first time again.
I think the original song is pretty old, and its by childish Gambino, but I don’t know the actual name, but I heard a version of it on tiktok in 2021, and shazamed it. It recognized the song as ‘do ya like’ by some artist I cant remember (it was later taken off of major streaming platforms because of copyright, I think) and I was hooked, I would listen multiple times a day, romanticize my life to it, read with it, shower with it, alladat.
The thing with music for me is that, I don’t care about lyrics, or bars, or whatever message the artist is trying to pass vocally, that doesn’t concern me. What gets me is how the sound of the song makes me feel/what it makes me see. I’ve talked about this numerously, but if you’re a new reader (hi), I have something called synesthesia, which is basically when you have strange reactions to divergent stimuli.
That’s how it is for me, at least.
So, music is often visual, evocative of tastes (yes, like food and drink), and/or has physical manifestations in my body.
Its really weird and kind of hard to articulate, but yeah.
Sometimes I hear the strum of an acoustic guitar and think of the bitter tang of orange zest, or I’ll hear a note on the piano and think of the colour purple, or hear someone sing and think of the smell of oud.
It makes no sense, but that’s why music is such a huge part of my life.
And also, why a lot of music is literally sensory overload for me.
As cliché as it is, it’s a lot more than just sound to me.
Music is extremely personal to me. Because a lot of people don’t experience music the way I do, the kind of music I listen to is usually really odd to them. And in reverse, the kind of music that most people like is usually empty, or over sensitizes me so it makes me anxious and I hate it.
Anyways, I wanted to give a little explanation so other things I’ll say would make sense.
When ‘do ya like’ got taken off Apple Music and Spotify, I obviously went to SoundCloud — because they have the most extensive catalogue of original and remixed songs I’ve seen — and I found it there.
So many different versions, sped up, slowed down, reverb, epic, nightcore…of one song that I was already in love with.
that’s actually heaven.
The version I’m currently obsessed with is this one.
And why I love the song so much in general is because it reminds me of night driving in the city.
You’re just in your car, the windows are rolled down, this song is blasting and its night time and you’re driving past buildings that are lit up and the roads are free and people are just living life and you’re just safe, driving and content.
The song makes me feel content and calm.
As as we all know, feeling calm/peace is something I’m always up for.
If you couldn’t tell, I really, really, really, love my music.
I should write a story for this song, hm.
Anyways, this is already way longer than usual, if you actually read all this, I love you and want to marry you with a quickness.
See you next week.
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