Living alone diaries #19; the future, finding hope in uncertainty, and embarrassment
What’s really going on in my life?
Honestly, I’m not sure either.
This week has been…somehow. Monotonous, sad, and of course, lonely.
I wonder if I’m going to look back at these entries one day and cringe. Will I laugh at my melancholy ramblings? Or will I smile with nostalgia?
I hope one day, ten years from now, I can come back and read these and see how much I’ve grown, changed, or stayed the same in some ways. That would be very interesting.
Or maybe this would have grown into a huge blog and I’d be traveling the world for a living, now that would be a sweet one, innit? Anyways, the future is a very crazy thing.
A few days ago, I’d just come back from buying stuff to cook with, and these two Jehovah Witnesses accosted (I love this word) me at my door, and tried to preach the word of God to me.
“What do you think of the future”, the first one asked, he was a jollier fellow than his companion, who stood to the side, unsmiling, probably waiting for his friend’s cue to drop a one-liner that would shatter my world and bring me under the fold of the Lord God.
I decided to entertain them, I was bored, and wanted to see how this would play out.
“How do you mean?”, I asked in reply.
“Like, what do you think of the future?”, he persisted with this vague line of questioning.
“Well, the future is the future, I guess. It’s a constant”
He smiled a little, then, pulled out a purple pamphlet. At this point, I was starting to give my desire for conversation with him a second thought.
On this hand out, was a question; “What do you think will happen in the future?” then below it, three tick boxes, with phrases next to them, like objective exam questions. They were;
“It will get better”, “it will get worse”, “it will stay the same”.
He then asked me what I thought was the answer.
“There can be no answer, because no one knows what will happen in the future, no one has been there”
He smiled at my reply, a funny little smile.
“Now, lets see what God says about the future in the bible…”
Ah ha, I realized this was the que his friend had been waiting for, the solemn compatriot began to pull out a bible wrapped in white leather from his messenger bag.
I imagined they would want to read me verses from this Holy book, and that was where my patience ran out.
“I’m sorry, but I’m not christian”
The first guy looked a bit forlorn; I’d obviously interrupted what was apparently going to be a spectacular showing of theology, and who knew? Maybe I would be stunned by his knowledge of the wonder of the supreme and fall to my feet in glorious revelation, forever changed.
Alas.
“You’re not?”
I smiled in apology,
“I’m not, I’m sorry”, obviously, I wasn’t apologizing for my lack of Christly faith, I just felt bad that maybe he would be upset at the time wasted.
Anyways, I’m not sure why I narrated this whole thing to you, and in such detail too — honestly, I think I was just flexing my writing skills a bit. But the interaction made me reflect on the absolute uncertainty that is the future.
Its one of my biggest sources of fear, and also kind of comforting in that uncertainty too; as much as there’s a possibility for bad, nothing is set in stone, and we do have the power to influence, if not fully orchestrate our futures. This is comforting to me, because, as you already know, I like to control things that affect me, and even this small degree of control over my future brings me comfort.
The future is big and beautiful and overwhelming and scary.
But were all going into it, nonetheless.
One thing I’m painfully afraid of is rejection, failure, and embarrassment.
Because of these fears, I stop myself from doing a lot of things, from venturing and exploring, because I’m afraid. If you don’t do anything, the chances of any of the aforementioned happening to you are very little.
Or, so was my mindset.
This week I realized an unpleasant truth.
As unkind as failure and rejection are, and as much as they make me want to fling myself off a cliff and into an abyss, they’re quite literally part of existence. The whole world wouldn’t exist if everyone on it succeeded at everything they tried; we’d all be dead.
This fear is the major reason why I haven’t tried my had at many, many things. Even things that I genuinely love. I see so many opportunities for my written work, or job offers that I could apply to, but my most dominant thought is damn, I’m sure there’s so many people that have applied to this thing, why should I be the one that’s picked? What’s so special about me?
And so, I don’t apply, or I don’t submit and I just don’t try, because I’ve already told myself its not going to happen for me.
This is very uncharacteristic of a Nigerian man, as we are known to be kings of confidence and bluster, even in underqualification.
Have you ever seen a Nigerian man move to a woman before? You would think God himself had shown him that that specific woman was his personal property.
Curiously, I’m not like this at all.
With the help of two people I love very much, I was made to face this truth; do it, whatever it is, regardless. You will fail, you will be rejected, you will cry, but those times you win and succeed, will make it worth it.
Failure is what sharpens you for success.
Plus, how can you succeed if you never try?
So, I’m going to stop being a pussy, and start applying/submitting and just putting myself out there in general more
I hope you’re having a great start to your week.
Love you
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