Living alone diaries #18; a very enjoyable Abuja trip, unemployment and my love for 9–5’s, and finding things to do in Jos
Well.
It’s been two weeks since my last entry, what am I?
A fucking liar and a dirty bitch.
I actually felt really bad that I didn’t put anything out last week, but I was just too distracted to organize my already scattered thoughts into something that could actually be read by others, so I decided to just free it.
I can’t come and kill myself, please.
But we will resume regularly scheduled programming from now again.
If you read the last entry, you know I ghosted over to Abuja for a quick week. That was a well-deserved week of relaxation and pampering, if I do say so myself.
They said na who alive dey chop life, innit?
A few days before I left, the person I was ghost-writing for decided he no longer needed my services, and laid me off. As you can imagine, this stung a little bit. I knew it wasn’t a real job and I knew it couldn’t be a lasting engagement, but I guess I had kind of gotten comfortable in the routine, so it was kind of upsetting when that happened.
I know I can do better anyways, and what helped me stomach it a lot better was the fact that I was going to Abuja in a few days, so I didn’t even dwell on it at all. And I’m still not, so that’s good.
Road trips in Nigeria give me a lot of anxiety.
The roads are bad, and there’s always talk of accidents and bandits and kidnappers, its very scary stuff. The trip going was an unpleasantly eventful journey; one of the cars tyres had a broken rim, we were stopped, and fined, for going above the speed limit, and there was a horrible accident on the road that further delayed our progress.
It just felt like with everything that happened on the trip, my anxiety mounted and mounted, till all I really wanted to do was just go back home. I didn’t even want to go to Abuja again, I just wanted to be home in my own bed, safe. Had to close my eyes and tell myself I was going to be okay.
And at the end of it all, I was. I mean, that’s why you’re reading this.
But who ever said anxiety was a rational thing?
Abuja was cute, rainy, but cute.
It more than made up for that discomforting journey.
I got to see my friends, laughed my ass out on both occasions because I have the funniest friends, truly, and went on two interesting, lovely dates.
Very sweet stuff, really. I was reminded of who I am at my core; an individual primed for enjoyment.
Also got gifted an apple watch and was just able to forget about my loneliness and fears and anxieties for a few days.
It was all very nice, and I look forward to doing it again.
I would say the highlight of my trip were the dates and the watch, and the low points were me leaving back to Jos. It’s been a while since I had a string of good days consecutively, and I’m very grateful for it all.
It’s been jarring, coming back to being alone and quiet after being surrounded my people and my friends and going out almost everyday for a week, and on my first night back I felt like a huge, stinking ball of crap, and I shed a few tears, because its actually hard.
Its hard feeling so alone all the time, its hard having horrible anxiety on top of that, its hard not being able to fully exist in a place because all I really am in Jos is a version of myself, and I’m beginning to hate it.
Anyways, while I was in Abuja, I really looked into a mirror and noticed how much weight I’d lost.
It wasn’t insane, I didn’t look sickly, but it was obvious, I’d lost quite a bit of weight.
And it made me incredibly insecure for a while, it felt like I’d lost all the progress I’d gotten from working out, it felt like my body was starting to reflect my mental state.
I felt that I looked sad. And that made me feel really bad about myself.
But its not that big of a deal, and I realized it’s not something I should waste time thinking about, so.
Coming back has made me realize that I need to start going out more, I think my lack of social interaction is one of the things that contributes to my melancholy while I’m here. I’m home alone all the time, and when I do go out, its to go and buy stuff to cook or to go to work. I need to look for places and things that I can do alone in this city, because it feels like I’m just wasting away here.
But where will I go?
Let’s be looking.
There’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, and given my current state of unemployment, I guess it does make sense; I really wouldn’t mind having a regular, steady, 9–5 job.
Now, with everyone on this entrepreneurial hustle and grind culture, it seems like people kind of shit on regular jobs, everyone wants to be their own boss, and make their own money and be able to say they’re their own source of income, and while that’s great and all, its not really for everyone.
As much as I’m a creative and I love creation, I also love structure and certainty and routine, these are things that it takes a very long while (if ever) to achieve as an entrepreneur, but are kind of guaranteed in a regular job. And to be honest, I think I’d prefer it (?)
Its scary having to be completely self-reliant in that sense, especially now when the market is so saturated with people who want to “be their own bosses” and honestly, I’ve never been much of a risk taker. A hard worker? Yes, but a risk taker? No.
I like to know that at the end of the month/year, I’m going to make x amount of money and be able to do xyz with said money.
Of course, it can be way more fulfilling to be an entrepreneur, most especially as a creative, because you are quite literally making money doing your own thing, but for me, the unpredictability of it, the risk involved, I’m not sure it’s really worth it, as long as I like the 9–5 I’m doing, I’m making money, and I see a career progression in my future, I really don’t mind it.
Don’t come for me, because I know everyone is all about it now, so this is just how feel personally.
Mafejopami.
To do entrepreneurship is nice o, but it’s not by force.
It’s just unfortunate that Nigeria is such a shit country that there’s literally no jobs for even people who are qualified, so it pushes people to be entrepreneurs, whether they actually want to or not.
In essence, money must be made, in some way.
Anyways, I need to actually look into places and things I can do alone in Jos, before I run mad, so if any of you have any suggestions, please comment them or dm me or something.
Again, to the people who consistently read this, I’m sorry I didn’t upload last week, it won’t happen again (amen).
below this entry is a clap icon and a comment section, and you can “clap” (hold down on the clap icon continuously) on a single post for as many as fifty times, this shows me how you felt about what you just read and also helps other people see my entries. Clap for me? you’re doing the lord’s work. After all, crying and throwing up on the internet is quickly becoming my brand
and if you want to keep up w me elsewhere, im mostly on twitter, but my instagram is pretty too :-) (and i posted some new pics from my abuja trip >.<)
