Diary of a 20-something Nigerian: starting “YouTube”, life goals, and my love life
It’s 6:00 pm, Sunday 29th October.
I’ve never written about it, but the reason why I started this weekly series (including Living Alone Diaries) is because of YouTube.
I love YouTube.
I spend a healthy amount of my data watching YouTube videos, and I can’t even feel bad about it because YouTube has changed my life (I’m not exaggerating — lots of things I do or am come from multiple channels I watch).
I watch a lot of different things, from furniture construction to interior design, to fashion, to video essays, to vlogs.
Vlogs have a special place in my heart. I love how the creator brings you into their life, and it’s like you’re on FaceTime with a friend. I love the feeling of closeness it evokes, and I love that they can share much more of their lives than on any other social media platform because of its long-form nature.
I’ve always wanted to start a YouTube channel, I love the creativity of it, the shooting, editing, and posting, and I love recording things (another reason I started posting on Medium), but I don’t have an interesting enough life.
I’m a big introvert, and I enjoy vlogs so much because they usually go out and do things. There’s a healthy balance between going out and staying in.
I’m usually in.
I don’t mind it — I genuinely prefer it on most days. But I don’t think it’s interesting enough for others to watch.
Anyway, I started posting weekly on Medium as a kind of YouTube substitute. I could speak my thoughts and talk about my life and experiences and connect with other people, just in a minor way, a way I was already familiar with.
Words.
One day I’ll start that channel, probably when I’m travelling the world and reading books in beautiful places, when I have many stories to tell and experiences to share. But for now, this is my outlet into the world, my little silly-goofy diary entries that a few people on the internet read.
My small corner.
And I love it. I’m grateful for this privilege and grateful for the people who read it.
Thank you.
I know it seems like a cliche — especially because I’m Nigerian — but I want to travel the world.
There is so much beauty that I have to see, so many people I have to meet, so many things to document and experience.
I can’t imagine my life stretching on till the end in one place.
I think that’s my one big material goal or whatever; I want to make enough money to be able to travel the world.
If anyone has a few thousand dollars they aren’t using, please, I’m waiting for you with open arms and a gaping bank account.
Oh, yeah, the follow-up call for that job went pretty well, so I’m solid on signing the offer now.
I think it’s really important to go into situations fully armed with all the knowledge you can get.
It’s 4:43 pm, Tuesday 31st October.
I’m listening to Apathy by Gia Margaret if you want to listen as you read.
The year is over.
Why does it feel like 2023 just started? Like the years are rolling by so quickly, it’s both fantastic and scary.
This is one of the reasons I’m grateful for mindful practices, because they make me slow down, and teach me about myself.
Stillness, introspection, and empathy for myself and others.
I feel like these are the things this year gave me. Maybe I’ll do a whole entry on the things this year has taught me, and publish it on my birthday.
My birthday is the 26th of December, so it’s perfect.
Let me set a reminder for that right now.
I’m constantly battling the desire to write — truly and openly — about everything that goes on in my life. My love life, my struggles with my parents, my trauma, etc.
But I also recognize that some things are best kept for myself, and one day, I definitely will share these parts of myself openly, but I want to have some sort of balance or distance or closure (?) from these things.
This is something I’m sure other content creators also battle with; on one hand, we want to create these bonds with the people who consume our content, and we want to be open and honest and genuine. But on the other hand, I recognize that every human has to have some parts that they keep for themselves.
I believe that sharing all of yourself is detrimental to long-term living.
In my experience, even in my friendships and romantic relationships, I’ve found that giving all of myself to people can feel good for some time, but I get tired of those relationships quickly.
It’s such a thing of personal knowing, and I’m not sure how to explain it in a general sense.
I don’t mean keep secrets or lie or be avoidant, I mean just having some spaces where it’s completely you showing up. You’re not thinking about appeasing someone else or making sure others see you in a certain way or making money or whatever.
Just do things for yourself.
In a relationship for example, it can be tempting to throw yourself at your lover, bare yourself down to nakedness to them and hold nothing back, but I’ve found that sooner or later, I need to retreat and breathe and be alone.
Maybe it’s a residue of my people-pleasing tendencies, but it’s how I feel the most comfortable navigating my romantic relationships.
No one can have all of me, I am my owner, always.
I will always endeavour to share as much of myself as possible, but there will be some times and spaces and activities that I must have to myself from time to time, if not, I’ll start to feel caged.
To me, this looks like yoga, meditation, time spent away from my partner, an anonymous alternative account, sharing my problems with my friends (not just the person I’m doing love with) and feeling the security to take silence.
I’m aware that this might seem scary to some people, especially those with a more anxious attachment style, but remembering that I’m a person outside of my relationships is one of the best things I’ve ever done.
I feel like with love, it has to always remain a conscious act.
You have to repeatedly show the person that you love them, that you chose them. Love is not only a feeling, but also an action.
Actively loving someone is a skill that takes time to hone, but is very rewarding.
For me, I show people I love them by actively listening to them, by sharing in their sadnesses and joys, by verbally telling them, reassuring them and affirming them and by showing them, doing things for them and getting them gifts and making their lives easier.
And I’ve found that I genuinely enjoy the act of loving someone. Even my friends.
I love being there for people and listening to them and helping them out and telling them how much they mean to me because there is so much in this world that you already have to be so guarded against, I want to hold space and create love and bring out softness in the people that surround me.
Earlier this year I realised that my “purpose” in this life is to give and receive love.
That is when I’m happiest when I can make the people around me loose and soft and sweet and vulnerable, and when I see them go about their lives with that warmth radiating through their eyes.
There’s nothing like it.
This is unexpectedly deep, but love is a huge part of myself that I feel compelled to share.
Do you guys ever think about personal purpose? What is yours?
I start my new job on the 1st of December, which I think is a stellar way to end the year and is also a kind of birthday present to myself.
So, I’m going to savour this month.
I’m excited to be getting back to work because I’m unfortunately one of those kinds of people who hate idleness, of course, work is still work, and it’s not always going to be enjoyable, but I’m here for it, nonetheless.
I’m also excited because I’ll be doing something I genuinely enjoy doing; writing content. Not news, not as many creative restrictions, and not as many deadlines.
I feel like the universe set this all up.
I wonder what she has in store for me next.
below this entry is a clap icon and a comment section, and you can “clap” (hold down on the clap icon continuously) on a single post for as many as fifty times, this shows me how you felt about what you just read and also helps other people see my entries. Clap for me? you’re doing the lord’s work. i’m also an attention wh*r# and love to read and reply to comments, so leave me a comment, hm?
and if you want to keep up w me elsewhere, i’m mostly on twitter, but my instagram is pretty too :-)
