Diary of a 20-something Nigerian: japa-ing, being a writer, and faking it
I think this season of my life is very interesting.
And that’s characterized by all the change that’s been happening recently; I quit my job and I’ve gotten back into writing for pleasure, my brother left the country a few days ago, and I’m not sure when next I’ll see him again and some of my other loved ones are also leaving soon or have already left.
It’s a bit… bittersweet.
This country seems to be on a one-way track to a fiery end, and it kind of necessitates leaving, but as much as I’m happy for all these people that I care about, I’m also sad that this has to be a reality, sad that the failure of our country is so massive that we are willing to crawl out of this country if need be.
Bittersweet because when I imagine myself leaving (asper to japa), I know I’d be elated.
But what of the people that are getting left behind?
It is an awful situation. Families and relationships are getting torn apart because the government can’t get its head out of its ass enough to see that Nigerians are being strangled.
Depressing, sad, razz, and ugly.
On a lighter note, I was talking to someone about leaving and if they’d announce it on social media with “that” picture.
We all know the picture, where the sky is only the perfect blue that can’t be found in Nigeria, and they’re in a puffer jacket and shades and the caption is something foolishly cheesy like “new beginnings”, or “welcome to a new dispensation” and then people are either scrolling by in barely concealed jealousy or they’re in the comments congratulating them and saying “God when”.
I’m not about the “that” picture, because I think it’s a bit tacky — and not in a campy way.
But to each their own, honestly. Leaving a country that actively wants you dead is a big achievement, so.
I was talking to my friend, who is also a writer, about how I’m now unemployed so I can focus on my writing, and after I sent that message, I looked at it and thought, hm.
Why do I say I’m unemployed when writing is work too?
When I freelance, I’m getting paid to do it too, If I win story competitions or do paid publishing, I’m making money and working too.
It made me realize that sometimes I look down on myself.
I’m a writer.
The only qualification needed is that I write.
End of story.
I’m privileged to have had my work published and seen by many people, yeah, but even if it’s poems in my journal, or haikus on Twitter, I’m a writer.
It’s one of the limiting beliefs I’ve been confronting recently.
Another one is just putting myself out there.
I’ve definitely improved, because I was looking over my CV and I realized, wow, like play like play, I’ve had my work published, both physically and virtually, about seven times. And that’s not even including Ghostwritten work.
That means I sat down, brainstormed, wrote, edited, and submitted all of these, and they were published.
But it hasn’t been easy for me — I don’t know why, but I have this voice in my head telling me why you?
These publishers and people receive hundreds — or maybe even thousands — of pieces, Why do you think you’ll win that prize, or you’ll be published, or someone, apart from the people you know, will read your work and like it?
And I realized that’s the reason why I don’t submit my work as much, why I don’t try, and why I don’t apply. I just think, there’s no use, I’d never get or win this.
So I just see opportunities and they pass.
I’ve now come to understand how incredibly foolish I’ve been.
A grand fool, because that is the worst kind of delusion.
This realization came about after a particularly interesting conversation with my father.
He and I are not close and don’t see eye to eye on many things, I think a long-distance relationship between us is truly best, honestly.
But I needed clarity on some decisions I was making (not the job) and even though I might not particularly like him as a person, there is no refuting that he’s accomplished and experienced.
We spoke of a lot of things that night, but the last was about how he got a scholarship he believed himself underqualified for.
He said the ad called for someone who was a home student (someone who was based in and living in England), and he applied regardless, maybe out of desperation (London is hard, and he was broke).
Days later he received an invite for an interview, he got there, passed the interview, and then discovered that he was the only person who applied.
Of course, he had to find a workaround to be able to accept it, as he wasn’t a home student, but you get my point.
It just made me think wow, imagine how many opportunities I’ve been so qualified for, or like in his case, that I’d have been the only applicant, or even if I didn’t win, someone would have rewarded my efforts, or just something.
Something better than nothing, just sitting in my room believing the lies I tell myself.
It is absolutely crazy.
So, this is your sign to just do that thing.
That application is for first-class students only? Apply for it dear. That competition that says you have to travel down to a far place to participate, odeshi, who knows, maybe one day you tweet about it and anon will enter your DMs to sponsor you.
But that could never happen if you just sat on your ass and admired the people you want to be like.
Start being them.
My friend also made a tweet the other day that said people need to stop adding the “aspiring” tag to their crafts, and honestly, they are too correct.
Stop being an “aspiring” dancer, or an “aspiring” writer, or telling people you “want to be” something. (of course, this only applies to creatives o, don’t enter a hospital and tell them “I’m a doctor” because Ahmad told you, pls i will deny you)
Adding that tag makes people take you less seriously, as you automatically show them that you don’t think highly enough of your craft to be that thing.
So, the next time someone asks you what you do, remove the “I want to be” or the “aspiring”, and just say, I’m a writer (or whatever you are).
If you have no published work and they ask you about it, just say “I’m working on some projects at the moment, and I’ll be publishing soon”.
Sounds a bit silly, but sometimes it’s fake it till you make it.
Start doing the things you want to do.
Unless they are illegal. Then don’t.
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