Ahmad’s Diary #2: deep fears, content creation, productive days, and rambling
It’s 7:30 pm, Tuesday, the 7th of January 2025.
We need to give full-time content creators their flowers because, omo.
Another thing I’m working on stepping up is my content creation, and doing that in tandem with my 9–5 (also Content Producer) is definitely a challenge.
But the thing is, I love it.
I was born to create. Art, stories, images, music, all of it.
A lot of the time I berate myself for wasting my potential. Like, damn, you can do so much, yet you’ve sequestered yourself in this lungu (corner) and you’re only dreaming in that box.
Why do I do this to myself?
I would say it’s a fear of failure, honestly. You can’t be disappointed if you don’t try, right?
Well, I’m leaning thats not really true.
In the past couple of months, I have realised my one existential fear.
I don’t want to die without living all my lives. And I think how oppressive Nigerian society is contributes to that.
There’s so much I want to do, my god, so many dreams I have.
Until recently, I would have told you I don’t have big dreams — I just want to have some money, be comfortable, and live slowly.
While this is still true, there is just so much more.
I want to be an author, an award-winning word weaver, I want to be a big content creator, whether that’s social media, blogging, or even directing movies or being the creative director of a magazine, I want to touch music, make the kind of sound that moves me (electronic music), I want to fall in love with many different people and I want to travel and I want my death (because we live life by thinking about how we want to die — liberated and actualised? Or yearning and closed) to be like breathing out after a deep inhale.
I want, so much.
But I am afraid of wanting because I am afraid of trying and not getting.
I don’t doubt my capacity, I know I'm good at all the things I enjoy doing.
So what’s the problem, what’s stopping me?
Fear fear fear.
“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
This is the Litany Against Fear written by Frank Herbert, I think it's very beautiful in a silent, solid way, because fear really is the little-death that incapacitates you.
Fear holds you in place and invites atrophy.
Fear turns you away from your dreams.
I want to face mine, no matter how scary the path is.
Anyway, this is to say I’ve been having pretty long days, but with adequate planning and enough sleep, I'm keeping my head above water, and it's good. I’m good.
I hope you, dear reader, are not letting fear fossilise you into the past.
I know I’m definitely trying not to.
It’s 2:33 pm, Saturday, the 11th of January, 2025.
Is it just me who feels like this month is going both fast and slow? Like the past week has been incredibly intense so it went by fast, but it's also like, damn, all that busy-ness and we’re barely two weeks in?
Anyway, apart from my dwindling salary, it’s been a good month so far.
Very productive.
Also very go go go, and that gets tiring, which is why I am glad today is Saturday.
I still have things to do, but it’s less work-related and more personal stuff — like working out, resting, writing in this journal and worrying about my future.
One of the reasons I love planning and organising is that uncertainty scares me. I don't like not knowing or walking into things without at least an idea of how they will work out.
Of course, this is at odds with the nonlinear, unpredictable, and very scattered reality of being alive, but.
I like to think I'm a hardworking, determined person and I get things done and if I put my mind to things, I excel, but what if that’s just a platitude I give myself?
What if I'm actually not pushing myself hard enough and my dreams are too big and my work ethic just won't cut it? What if there are things I’m supposed to be doing that I don't even know to be doing, or worse, that I know I can do, but am just not?
I live permanently in this place where I wish I could know the future but I'm also terrified of that knowledge and sometimes I just want to stand in place and be very still and hope that life just flows around me and leaves me untouched.
Like a rock protruding from a riverbed.
Anyway, today’s workout was really good, I love that pleasant heaviness that settles in my limbs after an intense session and the endorphins? An addiction.
I think I'm going to look over some work stuff and then edit some pictures I took on an evening out with my friends.
Content creator o.
Also, if you know me, you know I love a good drink, and this is why Pickle Social House in Abuja will always have my heart. But recently my friends and I tried out a new bar, Bar Yucca, a rooftop place at Ceddi Plaza here in Abuja, and it was a smashing time.
We went on Wednesday During their happy hour 2 for 1 special thingy and the music was a vibe, the conversations were essential (a gossip sesh over alcohol? Put my name on the list) and it was great to just let my hair (I'm bald, mind you) down and chat with friends.
I feel like bubbles like that are what sustain and rejuvenate me.
I love my friends.
Anyway, later.
It’s 5:02 pm, Wednesday, the 15th of January, 2025.
Thank fuck I didn't decide to make this a weekly thing again, the way there would be nothing to read because getting the time to write? A feat.
Anyway, it’s only Wednesday and it already feels like I’m having the most intense week.
I want to be lazy and blame something for it, so I’ll say it’s because my week didn’t start well, I slept badly Sunday night into Monday, so I woke up late, didn’t work out, and for some reason, didn’t get round to completing my to-do list for the day.
At 4 pm, I had a meeting and said okay I’ll take a lil break and wrap things up on that evening/night, then my mum asked me to accompany her to the park to send things to my gran, I said, what the hell, sure.
From there we went to get food, then got home and ate. I said okay, after eating, I’ll take a little break — because at this point my mood was very sour and I was really upset with myself for not finishing work.
Took the break and got up just before 9 pm to bang out two subsections of my next article — my worksplit for Monday.
When I tell you I stared at that laptop screen for almost thirty minutes, and what came out of that?
Two paragraphs, the first was three lines, and the second was two.
There is something infuriating about writer’s block. It’s like your brain suddenly forgets how to weave words together, and everything that comes out is utterly disjointed from what comes out next.
Like you’re thinking in a million different frequencies and you can’t tune into any.
Man, I was so frustrated and disappointed in myself.
I know you’re probably thinking, can you calm the fuck down?
And honestly, I kind of agree with you. I can be very obsessive with tasks and work especially because as I said earlier, I want so much, so I know have to work hard for it.
I’m very OD about stuff like that, and I know it's a lot of pressure, but hey, at least I’m self-aware, innit?
I also have a very intense belief that declines and regressions start from a single, inconspicuous day.
“Oh, I’m tired, let me do it tomorrow, oh, it’s fine, I’ll get it done anyway…” and then it turns into two days, then three, then the deadline is here and I’m rushing to do work I could have been taking my time to do if I just did it earlier.
That’s how dreams get stalled and stalled and then forgotten, or even worse, I think, damn, I wish I’d just done that shit at that time.
Sigh. I can be hard on myself, but also, am I really?
It’s such a mindfuck.
Yesterday I put my foot down and made myself do both Monday and Tuesday’s work split, because there was no way I was carrying all that baggage into a new day.
Completing that lengthy to-do felt so good I actually started dancing in my room. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and most significantly, I felt renewed faith in my capacity to do really really difficult things.
Because I don’t believe anything worthwhile is forged without pressure.
I need to do something really nurturing for myself this weekend because January as a whole has been… a lot.
I hope you guys are doing well.
It’s 12:34 pm on Sunday, the 19th of January, 2025.
Listening to Weightless, Pt.4 by Marconi Union.
It’s been a challenging month.
Do you ever feel like you are caught in the loop of self-awareness?
I need to stock up on edibles.
I feel like I need to condition myself to do really hard things because I know I can, I just need to know how and when to push myself.
I’m having trouble letting go of a situation that has been on and off for the past few years. We have a playlist and a Pinterest board together.
My father (Dr) returns tomorrow, not looking forward to that and hard conversations.
I just cleaned my room and bathroom, I have a headache, I want to sleep.
I have so much to do, always, I want a vacation.
I need money, a raise, or I will start resenting my job and inevitably quit.
I’m sorry if all these thoughts don’t make sense, there is just a lot on my mind and I want to get it out and write, but I don’t have the energy to illuminate all the bulbs for you.
As a way to give back, I invite you to highlight this line and comment your current thoughts and worries. I don’t have to understand them and they don’t have to be cohesive, just join me in this moment to breathe out.
Thank you for reading.
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